Dazed And Confused

So, something's on my mind today and it's driving me a bit batty. I feel the need to spill my guts.

I have this so-called friend, and believe me saying the word "friend" feels like a long stretch at the moment.
This person used to be very close to me years ago, and I let my guard down because I felt they were a friend. We have remained friends for the most part, although we sort of fell out of touch during some life changing events. I learned awhile back that I had been blind-sided and lied to by the friend and felt really crushed. I waited for over half of a year for them to tell me the truth, but they didn't so I confronted them, since they didn't have the decentcy to confront me. Since then, I haven't felt close or even felt the need to be close, although I consider myself extremly loyal to all of my peers. The friendship energy isn't there any more, and it's a sad thing because years was lost on a single moment. I still fell a bit bitter about the entire incident, although I try to act as if I'm fine, but I have to stop lying to myself, I'm not fine. I'm actually still very angry over it all. I feel betrayed, back-stabbed, blind-sided, and pissed off that a "so-called" friend would treat me that way. And it's not only me, it's everyone else too. I had never paid attention before but now that I think back on the entire friendship run, I remember all the talk/acts of competition, the bragging, the ridiculous thoughts of being better than everyone else. I want to come clean, I feel the need to come clean but sometimes I have to keep things bottled in because of fear of messing up career advancement and hurting other people in the process. I do NOT want that but I do want the TRUTH to be known. Every single human on the planet, including myself, lies for different reasons and it's incredibly frustrating. I despise liars and I try to never lie, although sometimes I, myself fail and tell little white lies.

I wish that I could just wake up tomorrow and it all be fixed. I have turned to the only thing I know to do, prayer. It's always worked for me in the past, so I try it again in this situation.

I wish I could explain the situation a bit better but I can't. It's so incredibly frustrating! I will tell you one thing though. I'm done being used. My talents are here to be used in a way that helps others, not to be used by people that have evil intentions. I will not be played, I will not be run-over, and I will not be second-best. A friend is someone who cares, and loves no matter what. One who is loyal, and accepting, and truth-telling.

As I get older, and more knowledgable, I start to see truth. I do not see it in that person. Maybe they were once a friend, awhile back, but change occurs every single day, even if it's a sad change.